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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  April 2, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PDT

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♪ the sky is crying ♪ can't you see the tears roll down the street? ♪ >> march 26, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome back to the show. boom! we're back. yes! oh, we are back from another undeserved vacation. my guest tonight shaquille o'neal. i assume fully recovered from st. patrick's day.
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while we were gone, while we were on vacation this past week, a lot went on. there was the usual republican primary shenanigans. we tried but failed to avoid talking about that until tomorrow. for the first day back there were really only two stories that caught my attention. >> former vice president dick cheney had heart transplant surgery earlier today. >> jon: greatest joke set-up. ever! i can make the show out of that. what's the other story. >> the controversial shooting death of 17-year-old trayvon martin one month ago in sanford florida. >> jon: (mumbling). that's the headlines. oh, the headline is dick cheney got a new heart. i'm sure by the way that that
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is a very different headline in the organ community. probably something like innocent heart sentenced to life in cheney. boom! boom! i'm going to get to do a fon of these today. >> martin had gone out to buy candy wearing a hooded sweat shirt. >> carrying skittles and an iced at a. >> 28-year-old george zimmerman was acting as a neighborhood watch guy. >> he followed and chased him despite the police dispatcher telling him not to. >> jon: heart transplant. isn't it more of a heart plant when you don't have an original? hey, i think we have a clip of cheney selecting the new organ.
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he's not a nice man. >> the police appeared to have done a very cursory investigation. >> zimmerman has not been charged with any crime and continues to carry the weapon that killed trayvon. >> jon: are you (beep)? hey, everybody, here's my impression of dick cheney's surgeon removing cheney's original heart. it bit me. (screaming) oh, my god. why does a human heart have fangs? (screaming) all right. i can't do this. how is this guy zimmerman not chargeded with anything? how can the guy still have a gun that he shot this kid with? >> zimmerman is not under arrest. perhaps in part because of florida's "stand your ground" law. >> jon: florida. i feel like florida and arizona are locked in a harm's race. all right, florida, what is the "stand your ground law."
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>> the law says a citizen who feels threatened has no duty to retreat. in florida is immune from civil or criminal action if the force is considered justified. >> florida's "stand your ground" law gives enormous lee way for people like zimmerman to use deadly force if they feel threatened. >> jon: how can a state have that law and spring break? hey, i have an idea. let's pass a law saying anyone who feels threatened doesn't have to retreat and then invite dozens of frat guys to town. it's like in new york subway: if you see something, shoot something. it's a great idea. i seem to recall a slight complication for this zimmerman "stand your ground" defense. >> are you following him? >> yeah. >> we don't need you to do that. >> okay. >> jon: oh, okay. so, i'll follow him.
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does florida also have a "move your ground" law. if the police had done a more thorough investigation at the time of the crime perhaps the news networks wouldn't have to. and we would be spared this episode of c.n.i., cable news investigation. this week trying to figure out if zimmerman made a racial slur on a 911 call. >> at cnn center in atlanta. this is one of the most sophisticated pieces of equipment. i have not listened to this portion at all. how long does it last. >> a second 18 frames. >> a second 18 frames. about 1.6 seconds. >> correct. >> let's listen to it ten times in a row if we can. >> you know what they say in police forensic work. 10th time's the charm. just because we can listen to it ten times in a row doesn't
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mean we should. we can make a taco shell from a nacho cheese dorito. it doesn't mean we should. carrying on. i'm sure looping a 1.6 second tape together ten times won't reduce it to a gregorian chant. >> can we play just that second word. just what we think the second word is. i mean it certainly sounds like that word to me although you can't be sure. >> jon: it doesn't sound like a word at all. that's the sound that dick cheney's new heart makes. trying to get out of there. ( cheers and applause ) you know, no one knows what happened. one way that people around the country have demonstrated solidarity was the search for a thorough investigation for justice was by donning hoodies which is what trayvon was
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wearing that night. it's an effective and moving gesture when practiced by ordinary citizens or the miami heat basketball team. not so much from these guys. yes, give the people of cable news and excuse to join in a story and voila. we have our new favorite are game. jedi or sith lord? first up, msnbc anchor melissa harris perry. oh, she's got braids. she's definitely got to be a jedi. braids are a sign she was once a padewan. i really know too much about this. next up, former michigan goff' nor and current tv host jennifer granholm. let's take a look. looking very palpatineesque. she was nice when she was a guest on a program. i will give her honorary jedi. sith lord. that is a sith lord. i'm not saying olbermann is a
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bad guy. i'm saying he's more machine now than man. twisted. evil. come on. who is left? cnn correspondent... (laughing). okay. that is is a trick question. he is neither jedi nor sith lord. he's too adorable. i'll go with ewan. so look here's the deal. we'll probably never know exactly what happened that night in florida. clearly if all this new found focus and attention forces a more thorough and just investigation of this tragic incident, we will all be better off. in fact, there's really been only one group of people that i've seen so far weigh in. that have thoroughly missed the point on the implications of this terrible situation. i give you the new black panther party. >> members of the black
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panther party offering a bounty for the capture of george zimmerman, the man who shot and killed 17-year-old trayvon martin. $10,000. >> jon: yes. the only way to bring this lone vigilante to justice is a vigilante mob. that will do it. black panthers 2012. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. we are talking about the trayvon martin case. fortunately amongst all this "investigate the shooter" trap a voice of reason emerged. >> i believe that george zimmerman, the overzealous neighborhood watch captain should be investigated to the fullest extent of the law. if he is criminally liable, he should be prosecuted. but i am urging the parents of black and latino youngster particularly to not let their children go out wearing hoodies. i think the hoodie is as much responsible for trayvon martin's death as george zimmerman was. >> jon: how dare you boo. . the hoodie is a death trap. it has always been a death trap. sometimes the string can get caught and then pull and...
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the hoodie has killed more people than botulism. for more on this terrible story we have full team coverage. first out to florida. jon oliver in sanford. jon, nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) i see that you too in solidarity are wearing a hoodie. >> absolutely, jon. any reporter who isn't wearing a hoodie right now is a racist. >> jon: i assume you're referring to me. i am not wearing a hoodie. >> you're not? then i guess i'll have to do some soul searching as to whether or not i want to work for such a colossal racist. for me, jon, i will keep wearing my solidarity hoodie until tragic ens dents like this one are a thing of the past which i hope will happen before tomorrow because tomorrow it's going to be hot as bulls down here. >> jon: werb we can appreciate
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that, jon. we also have wyatt cenac live. wyatt. ( cheers and applause ) i notice, wyatt, you do not seem to be wearing the hoodie. >> of course i'm not. i'm not (beep) crazy. it's easy for oliver to rock a hoodie. he's white. >> jon:. >> it's true, jon. it's true. i am incredibly white. >> the last time anyone felt threatened by a pastey white british guy was 1776. >> jon: i can understand not wearing the hoodie. what are you wearing? >> this is my propeller beany. >> jon: why? >> i'm in florida, jon. this is the least threatening item of clothing i own. >> jon: why the giant lollipop? >> this is the safest alternative to skittles. ( applause ) >> jon: i don't understand. >> remember, jon.
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it wasn't just the hoodie that frightened zimmerman. it was the hoodie coupled with this terrifying candy. >> jon: i don't think skittles are terrifying wyatt. >> no, listen to this. what does that sound like to you? >> jon: i guess skittles it sounds like. >> or maybe a rattle snake. or two rattle snakes or a bag of rattle snakes. who knows. all i know is that these rainbow colored pellets are right at the top of the "do not carry" list. ( applause ) >> jon: are you saying, wyatt, are you saying geraldo is right to avoid inadvertently frightening people. from now on black people should wear propeller beanees and carry giant lollipops. >> for as long as that works. the shelf life on non-threatening black people garb is pretty short. i'm wearing this on tv right now. we're just 48 hours away from "hello, police, there's a
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black guy with head blades. i think he's here to steal my granddaughter." the next thing you know, you're bailing me out of jail. again. >> jon: wyatt, you know i say call me any time. you know that. >> i appreciate it. the thing i don't get is why is it that only what black people wear turns scary. you never heard geraldo saying don't let your teen wear cow boy hats and confederate flag tank tops because it sends a threatening message. >> jon: i bet white kids gets to eat all kinds of candy. >> don't get me started on a black man wielding a charleston chew. you don't think some people will find black people frightening wearing something. here's a picture of me dressed all scary. if you're right. fix this. why not lose some of that hair. prove i'm not hiding something in there like zulu warrior
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lice or something. do you feel more comfortable. >> jon: i would give that guy a bank loan. >> but a small loan, right? because that look is not getting a zero down 20-year mortgage. you know why? >> jon: the hoodie i guess. >> of course the hoodie. let's put on a nice brooks brother suit. two buttons or less. don't want to look like steve harvey. maybe some glasses. clark kent me up a little bit. maybe throw a book in my hand. no one is threatened by a nerd. in fact let's nerd it up a little bit more. much better. much better. >> jon: oh, (beep). >> yeah, see. >> jon: unbelievable. nation of islam, wyatt, is going to scare a lot of people. >> we didn't land on plymouth rock. plymouth rocklanded on us. let me be clear. people aren't scared of the look. they're scared of who is wearing it. look at that same get-up on john oliver.
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>> he's actually right though, jon. look at me. i look like i'll be ready to be the new substitute teacher on hogwarts. look at that. >> jon: were you wearing that underneath your hoodie? >> jon, i wear this under everything that i wear. this is basically the british version of naked. don't look at me. >> jon: wyatt cenac and john
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( cheers and applause ) welcome back. my guest tonight an nba legend. now an analyst for tnt's inside the nba. currently the journey to comfort campaign. for real. please welcome shaquille o'neal. ( cheers and applause ) can i tell you something? >> yes, tell me. >> jon: that was exhilarating. now i know how my son feels. i do that to him and he tries
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to do that to me. i think like, oh. i feel young again. is this now... did that tire you out at all? i feel like this is not enough refreshment for you. how big is your mug at home? >> it's actually about that high. about that thick. >> jon: this is more like the thing you rinse your mouth out with after brushing your teeth. >> this would be like a shot glass. even though i don't drink... in public. more like a shot glass. >> jon: i can barely lift mine. you can see there's differences. how are you doing, by the way? is it hard for you right now? you look still like.... >> actually, i'm living fabulous. i'm comfortable in my own skin. i'm staying out of trouble. i'm working on my ph.d. i graduated may... ( cheers and applause ) i'm still sexy. i still have some firmness in
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my ass. and other than that.... >> jon: i actually was not going to mention that earlier. but i can attest to the firmness. what is the ph.d. you're getting in may? what is this? >> in h.r.d., organizational leadership at behrer university. i graduate may 5. >> jon: now, you are in school. is it impossible for you to blend in as a student? if you sit up front, basically people don't even realize there's a class going on. what is the feeling of you in class? how do your other classmates deal with you? >> they look to see if i really am doing the work. they look to see if i really know what's going on. i like to do my homework. i like to be the first one to answer the questions. when the teacher is asking the question, i go (demonstrating). i know that one. i know that one.
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>> jon: does she see you when you do that? >> yes, she does. >> jon: why would they think you wouldn't do work? because the truth of your matter as it is at your status as an icon as a legend why would you go back to school to screw around? it makes no sense. >> you're right. >> jon: i am right. >> it's just the world we live in. like when i'm in class, they look at me like, you know, they give me that look like what is he doing here? i think i've put.... >> jon: you know how to take care of that. >> yes. >> jon: wedgey. i don't know. i don't know what the college policy is on that. just one of those real quick and things are over. are you able to fit it in. you have your job as an analyst. is it difficult... you're so close to having... you still look like you can play. i bet you could. is it hard now to sit and watch the games and analyze it and not let the competitive juices start to flow and want to dive out there and play. >> it's fun.
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i try to make people laugh. i try to be like you when i'm on tv. i try to.... >> jon: i've always felt that i've been a role model for you. >> you have. i try to.... >> jon: do you have any idea... if i could dunk once, i would give it all up. because my son now, he very much... first of all he's a huge fan of yours. he loves basketball. he's saying to me i would love to be a professional basketball player. i don't know at what age do i break to him that he's jewish? like i don't know. how do you even say that? >> well, when you see him tonight, tell him uncle shaq says (speaking yiddish). tell him that. >> jon: nice. >> and then tell them (speaking yiddish) and then tell him that he can make it.
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he can make it. >> jon: i am going to tell him that. i'm going to encourage him. it's always great to see you. you're a good man. who is making the final in the east? >> the knicks. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: shaquille o'neal, everybody. e two car insurances we're going to have you taste.
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the first one we're going to call x. go ahead and take a sip, and then let me know what the baby thinks of it. four million drivers switched to this car insurance last year. oh, she likes it babies' palates are very sensitive so she's probably tasting the low rates. this is car insurance y, they've been losing customers pretty quickly. oh my gosh, that's horrible!, which would you choose? geico. over their competitor. do you want to finish it? no. does the baby want to finish it? no.
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that's our show. so tomorrow